I don't know who this is to but I know it's from the bottom of my heart, as corny as that sounds. Most of it is what I wish someone would say to me. It's what I wish I was brave enough to say to some people. To be able to stand up in front of a crowd and speak these words to a group of young adults struggling. Here it is....
I can't help you understand this. I can't tell you the magic phrase that when spoken, all you're pain you feel suddenly goes away. I'm not some sort of superhuman healer who has the answers to your questions.
I am still hurting. I still listen to that voice everyday. The one that tells me I'm nothing, the one that tells me to jump in front of the on coming traffic on the highway, the one that tells me to just press a little deeper on my wrist with this blade that controls my fate. The same one that tells me time and time again that I am alone in this world and the people in my life who have proven over and over that they love me and are here for me, are nothing but fakes. That I deserve to be alone and should just give up fighting this once and for all.
This "thing" is sick. IT festers in our minds and builds until we can't handle it any longer. Until we become sick and catatonic. Empty shells of a person once so full of life and joy. Now we just lie in bed all day staring at the walls of our rooms. Still listening, still obeying that voice.
Demons so deep inside of us that soon their marks of control become evident. People ask what they are and we lie. Too ashamed to give up the name of our controller. Blame everything else in life from the cat to an accident.
I spend hours upon end thinking of a way out of its control. It keeps telling me I have no way out, well except for one way. It would rather have me dead than be living out of its deadly control.
We feel alone. All it would take is ONE person in our lives, a person we're close to and trust, to come and say "I know you're hurting and I just need you to let me in on what's going on. I love you and want to help you through this fight."
I don't know you and I don't know what you're going through. Like I said before, I don't know how to fix YOUR pain. I don't know if these words will give you some hope in that darkness you're in right now. I can only hope that this is reaching your heart and making you feel less alone.
To that soul who's hurting past the point of just a bad week or two: You can make it through this. I know you can!
To the cutter who is too ashamed of their marks to tell a soul what they're struggling with: I know a similar inner pain, yet not YOUR pain. I will never know your exact pain, yet I feel my own pain. Pain that only seems to go away when you succumb to the knife. To this person I would say this.... Hold on even when all you know is slipping away. Hold on for rescue from this pitch black darkness IS coming. Let those you love in when they ask what's going on. They truly love you if they're asking. trust me.
Sometimes an "I love you and care about you" is all we need.
Love is powerful!!
-J
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
2 years time
So I've been thinking a lot about the past few years lately so I'm now writing my thoughts down for the whole freakin' world to read. I normally would NEVER put something this personal on my blog for everyone to read because I hate feeling so open and vulnerable but I just want to get this out.
In the past 2 years my life has changed in so many ways. I've had so many high points AND low points that it kind of seems like a Lifetime movie or mini series. I've gone from a total non believer to completely sold out for Christ then back to confused about my beliefs. This past month it has been 2 years since I first started going to church. I never thought when I first started going that the church would be such a HUGE part of my life. but it's become the one place I know that I know that I know I am loved by at least a group of people. They actually say they love me and show it through their kindeness and thoughtfulness towards me. I've never had a group of friends who did that for me.
I was still concealing my pain I felt on the inside when it came to them though. They didn't and still don't know I struggle with SI, even though I've been getting better at fighting the temptations lately.
Then in May 2008 I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. It was one of the best days of my life. I got saved doing the one thing that gives me so much joy; playing guitar on stage for my church. From that day everything started looking up in my life. I was no longer struggling day to day with temptation and I was beginning to find my trust in those who were closest to me. And for the first time since I started I was able to go a year and a half WITHOUT SI. I thought I was free but then temptation and doubt came back.
January 2009 I started to backslide away from everything God had given me, and the sucky thing is I couldn't care less. A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but the enemy had such a stronghold on my emotions that I levitated towards that darkness. I never renounced my struggle with SI and so the devil still had that stronghold over my life. and boy oh boy was it strong.
There were thoughts being placed in my head like "I'm so worthless, God never loved me, I shouldn't even be at this church the people here all hate me but they act like they love me because thats the 'Christianly' thing to do." After thinking that day after day they really started hurting.
Then in March someone really close to me got sick with cancer. I had the whole worship team praying for them but in April they passed away. Then in May another person in my life passed away from cancer. I became so bitter and actually hated God. I didn't understand how I had everyone at my church praying AGAINST the illness yet they still passed. I was in so much emotional pain that I started back up with SI. Nobody at this point knew because I didn't want to be the "emo" kid again. I was still going to church every week and worship team practice and small group yet I was still so angry at God and what "He had done".
Now I'm still not 100% back on track with God. I've been trying to begin praying again but I find myself stuck. Just today I picked up my bible and read for a little while. I still have a lot of hurt in my heart and I'm trying hard to let it go but I'm findin git hard to place down my guard.
In just a few weeks me and some of the youth from my church are going to a conference. It changed my life last July and I'm just hoping with all my heart that it helps me put my life back on the right track. I'm sick of the pain and need this conference to change me. actually correction. I need GOD to change my heart.
In 2 years time I've gone from nonbeliever to total believer to just confused. I never thought the journey to be like this but I'm glad it is!!
- J
In the past 2 years my life has changed in so many ways. I've had so many high points AND low points that it kind of seems like a Lifetime movie or mini series. I've gone from a total non believer to completely sold out for Christ then back to confused about my beliefs. This past month it has been 2 years since I first started going to church. I never thought when I first started going that the church would be such a HUGE part of my life. but it's become the one place I know that I know that I know I am loved by at least a group of people. They actually say they love me and show it through their kindeness and thoughtfulness towards me. I've never had a group of friends who did that for me.
I was still concealing my pain I felt on the inside when it came to them though. They didn't and still don't know I struggle with SI, even though I've been getting better at fighting the temptations lately.
Then in May 2008 I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. It was one of the best days of my life. I got saved doing the one thing that gives me so much joy; playing guitar on stage for my church. From that day everything started looking up in my life. I was no longer struggling day to day with temptation and I was beginning to find my trust in those who were closest to me. And for the first time since I started I was able to go a year and a half WITHOUT SI. I thought I was free but then temptation and doubt came back.
January 2009 I started to backslide away from everything God had given me, and the sucky thing is I couldn't care less. A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but the enemy had such a stronghold on my emotions that I levitated towards that darkness. I never renounced my struggle with SI and so the devil still had that stronghold over my life. and boy oh boy was it strong.
There were thoughts being placed in my head like "I'm so worthless, God never loved me, I shouldn't even be at this church the people here all hate me but they act like they love me because thats the 'Christianly' thing to do." After thinking that day after day they really started hurting.
Then in March someone really close to me got sick with cancer. I had the whole worship team praying for them but in April they passed away. Then in May another person in my life passed away from cancer. I became so bitter and actually hated God. I didn't understand how I had everyone at my church praying AGAINST the illness yet they still passed. I was in so much emotional pain that I started back up with SI. Nobody at this point knew because I didn't want to be the "emo" kid again. I was still going to church every week and worship team practice and small group yet I was still so angry at God and what "He had done".
Now I'm still not 100% back on track with God. I've been trying to begin praying again but I find myself stuck. Just today I picked up my bible and read for a little while. I still have a lot of hurt in my heart and I'm trying hard to let it go but I'm findin git hard to place down my guard.
In just a few weeks me and some of the youth from my church are going to a conference. It changed my life last July and I'm just hoping with all my heart that it helps me put my life back on the right track. I'm sick of the pain and need this conference to change me. actually correction. I need GOD to change my heart.
In 2 years time I've gone from nonbeliever to total believer to just confused. I never thought the journey to be like this but I'm glad it is!!
- J
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Following your heart
So kids.... here's whats on my mind today..
in case none of you kno I'm what you would label a "born again christian", only thing is that I'm not exactly born again any more. I hate to use this word cuz of it's bad stigma but I guess instead of born again you could call me a backslider. Things between me and God haven't been good in a while. I've been walking around with the thought that He left me alone and forgot about me. It caused so much hate and chaos inside me that I actually came to resent Him. People would come up to me and say "oh you're a christian?" and lemme tell ya something; I'd be so quick to snap back with an answer of "well I used to be. Not any more I'm not."
Me and my mom talk a lot about what's going on with me and my relationship with God. I'm on my churches music ministry so I vent to her about everything that goes on; well almost everything. Here's the REAL point of this blog.
One day her and I were driving to Target. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, it might have been me talking about how I need 2 go 2 the GC conference this year. I mumbled something about God leaving me. I don't think I'll ever forget the words she spouted out almost immdiatley and defensive like. With a serious tone she says "God didn't leave you, you left Him."
I ddn't know what to say back to that, mainly because something strong in my heart knew she was right. Since then I've been thinking so strongly on those words. I am actually shocked by it. I never realized until she said it.
It's so much easier to walk AWAY from God than it is to walk WITH Him. Strange right? I don't know if this is right but it's what I think. I think it's the Devils plan to make it sooo much easier on us humans to walk away than keep going. He gives us a spirit of defeat and hopelessness when things get hard with God. I know for me personally when things get tough and a little overwhelming I tend to get mad and discouraged so I do what's easiest. I simply give up.
My walk with God has been anything BUT easy! I never realized how "broken" I was on the insied until He started pointing thigs out that I needed to work on. I didn't like the feeling of getting my flaws and weaknesses being brought to the surface. Some of them He made so the people closest to me could see them and step in to be there for me. I like to give off the image that everything is perfect in my life. That I'm the happiest person you'd ever meet and that I love everything about life. But that's so far from the truth.
So I know I got off topic but I'm back now. PROMISE. If you're actually readign this I hope you take this away from it. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR WALK WITH GOD! I know it's coming from a back sliders blog but I just hope this will save someone from the pain of walking alone.
- J
in case none of you kno I'm what you would label a "born again christian", only thing is that I'm not exactly born again any more. I hate to use this word cuz of it's bad stigma but I guess instead of born again you could call me a backslider. Things between me and God haven't been good in a while. I've been walking around with the thought that He left me alone and forgot about me. It caused so much hate and chaos inside me that I actually came to resent Him. People would come up to me and say "oh you're a christian?" and lemme tell ya something; I'd be so quick to snap back with an answer of "well I used to be. Not any more I'm not."
Me and my mom talk a lot about what's going on with me and my relationship with God. I'm on my churches music ministry so I vent to her about everything that goes on; well almost everything. Here's the REAL point of this blog.
One day her and I were driving to Target. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, it might have been me talking about how I need 2 go 2 the GC conference this year. I mumbled something about God leaving me. I don't think I'll ever forget the words she spouted out almost immdiatley and defensive like. With a serious tone she says "God didn't leave you, you left Him."
I ddn't know what to say back to that, mainly because something strong in my heart knew she was right. Since then I've been thinking so strongly on those words. I am actually shocked by it. I never realized until she said it.
It's so much easier to walk AWAY from God than it is to walk WITH Him. Strange right? I don't know if this is right but it's what I think. I think it's the Devils plan to make it sooo much easier on us humans to walk away than keep going. He gives us a spirit of defeat and hopelessness when things get hard with God. I know for me personally when things get tough and a little overwhelming I tend to get mad and discouraged so I do what's easiest. I simply give up.
My walk with God has been anything BUT easy! I never realized how "broken" I was on the insied until He started pointing thigs out that I needed to work on. I didn't like the feeling of getting my flaws and weaknesses being brought to the surface. Some of them He made so the people closest to me could see them and step in to be there for me. I like to give off the image that everything is perfect in my life. That I'm the happiest person you'd ever meet and that I love everything about life. But that's so far from the truth.
So I know I got off topic but I'm back now. PROMISE. If you're actually readign this I hope you take this away from it. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR WALK WITH GOD! I know it's coming from a back sliders blog but I just hope this will save someone from the pain of walking alone.
- J
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