Hey guys.
It always seems like days such as this I have so much to say. Just warning you this might be a little dark.
Today was the first Thanksgiving that my Grandpa S wasn't with us. Usually him, my grandma and my grandma D come over to my house to celebrate the holiday. He passed away in April of this year. I struggled with letting go of the pain from his death for months. I finally thought I was making progress in it until today.
Since I woke this morning I couldn't help but hear his voice in my head. I could hear his laugh and his little sayings he always told me and my cousins. I found myself remembering in clear detail what he looked like, how he walked and how he loved us. It was hard.
I guess I repressed those things to take away the pain I felt. I wish I could just hug him one last time and tell him how much he means to me.
It was a rough Thanksgiving. Me, my mom and my dad all went down to my Grandma D's house this year. She lives alone since my Grandpa D's passing in 2003. I struggled with his death for a while too, even though I was only 13 I felt so much pain and that is where I turned to cutting. My aunt and uncle (moms brother) and cousin were there as well. I get along with my moms side of my family so great. With them I actually feel loved and accepted, unlike my dads side.
We were all sitting around laughing and having a seemingly good time. I looked on my Grandmas television stand and saw a picture of my Aunt Patty and it hit me that she isn't around to be with my uncle on this holiday. She passed in May of this year. Her and My Grandpas deaths were both within a month of each other.
Holidays this year are rough. Nobody wants to say it but we all miss them terribly. Today made me so thankful for the loving members of my family even more. Those whom I love. I know this might sound harsh and heartless but I cannot get myself to say I'm thankful for most of my pops' side of the family. Anyways we're not talking about this.
I hate feeling depressed on the holidays because you're not supposed to be sad, I feel like it's wrong to be all sad and missing my Grandpa with everything.
So that's what I wanted to talk about tonight.
Happy Holidays everyone!!
-J
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thanksgiving 2009!!
Well... let me start of this blog by saying to all of you HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
A year ago today I started out this blog talking about all the things I am thankful for. Yes I know I erased that blog and started this one, but I feel like doing the cliche thing and telling you what I am so very thankful for this year as we as a Country celebrate thanksgiving.
Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For Today!
1- Being alive today.
2- Gods never ending love and forgiveness.
3- My Mom
4- All my friends whom I found care about and love me.
5- My Church
6- My Job and caring Boss.
7- Being able to have the opportunity to give God my talent every Sunday during Worship.
8- Having the chance to go to the Generation Conference a couple weeks ago
9- God saving me from giving up on life altogether
10- The feeling of an extremely hopeful and bright future.
Hope all of you have an amazing Thanksgiving today!!
-J
A year ago today I started out this blog talking about all the things I am thankful for. Yes I know I erased that blog and started this one, but I feel like doing the cliche thing and telling you what I am so very thankful for this year as we as a Country celebrate thanksgiving.
Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For Today!
1- Being alive today.
2- Gods never ending love and forgiveness.
3- My Mom
4- All my friends whom I found care about and love me.
5- My Church
6- My Job and caring Boss.
7- Being able to have the opportunity to give God my talent every Sunday during Worship.
8- Having the chance to go to the Generation Conference a couple weeks ago
9- God saving me from giving up on life altogether
10- The feeling of an extremely hopeful and bright future.
Hope all of you have an amazing Thanksgiving today!!
-J
Monday, November 23, 2009
How God Set Me FREE
So right now I'm listening to the new album by Fee called "Hope Rising"... I don't know how that relates to this but I just wanted 2 paint a picture of what I'm doing right now haha. Anyways, in the past week or two I really felt like God wants me to start sharing my testimony with people. Since I really don't even know how to get started, though I have had "prophetic visions" of me standing infront of my small group and sharing, I feel like this blog is a GREAT way to get started.
I've been saved since I was 17 but never really felt Gods peace and joy like I have been lately.
On May 31st 2008 during the worship service at our churches encounter weekend I felt Gods presence for the first time ever and gave up control of my life that EXACT moment. Honestly it was probably one of the best days of my life. I was on COMPLETE fire for God and in awe that He was in fact real!! A mind blowing realization actually.
That passion and fire lasted for a while in me. Then the devil came and started speaking into my life telling me things like "God doesn't really love you." It was hard and as a baby christian I was (excuse the cheesy expression) hurt and confused. Then in July 2008 a group of our yoth went to the Generation Conference in Utica, New York. I remember sitting there throughout the services hearing the enemy basically shouting into my ears all his lies that he was determined to get me to believe. Then, on the very last night God completley touched my life during the altar call that Pastor Jude Fouquier called. One of the leaders from my church was praying over me during it and I began to feel this strong grasp, like somebody was squeezing my hand, on my right hand. I opened my eyes just out of curiosity to see who could have such a grip on me. But when I opened my eyes nobody was there and yet I could STILL feel their grasp, getting stronger.
Trusting it was all God I shut my eyes and within a matter of seconds I felt my whole entire body begin to go numb until feeling was gone completely. I no doubt cried my eyes out and promised to never let go of God ever again.
It's funny how faith in God is sometimes. Our whole youth group was completely sold out for Christ and I thought things were forever changed.
Then in January of 2009 the enemy began speaking into my life louder than God ever has.
Our church has what they call a week of fast ands prayer, where we would meet as a congregation at night for a whole week and pray for the upcoming year. I remember there was an altar call for those facing a crossroads in their life and I felt like it was for me. I went up and as soon as I got to the altar I heard this voice say "What are you doing here? Nothing is going to work for you. Just give up." I don't know why those wrods hurt so much but I immediatley began backing up and finally turned around and went back to my seat. Thinking about it now that was probably the moment I began backsliding from Christ.
You see, I began buying into the lies the devil wants us to believe. Then my grandpa whom I was extremely close to got daingosed with cancer on his heart. I did the only thing I could think of and that was to pray for his healign. I had the worship team I'm on praying for him, yet on April 3rd 2009 he passed away. I just kept hearing my last words I said to him being replayed in my head. The last thing I said to him was "I'll be praying for you" and he said "It's the best thing you can do sweetie." I just kept thinking that I never actually got to praying for him. I saw him slipping away and I turned that pain into anger towards God. I didn't understand why he could take such a great man away from me. I felt like God hated me for some reason so I turned away from god.
Then about a month later my Aunt passed away from cancer too. I also prayed for her as she began to slip yet she passed too. Once that happened I felt like I went numb. Everything in my life went downhill so fast.
I've been dealing with self injury and depression since I was 13. Needless to say after the grief I felt after the death of two loved family members I never felt more alone, hopeless, worthless in my entire life. I began considering suicide more than ever and with that I began cutting myself more and more. I went a year and a half without it then I couldn't even go a day without it.
I would cry myself to sleep and asking God to just end my life. I never had feeling so overwhelming that I couldn't handle it any more.
Things just seemed to be spiraling out of control for me. I felt like I was in the middle of a storm, crying out to God for some sort of help or sign that He was still here but nothing happened. I then resented God and denied Him to people who were in my life and said things like "oh you have a bible verse on your wrist, you're a christian?". I can just imagine what God was going through when I was in that state. God loves us more than we can ever love Him. Think of how much YOU love God with all your heart, He loves us so much more than that.
Then in October I was at work deep cleaning the rooms, I work as a housekeeper at a Comfort Inn. I flipped up the bed frame and there on the floor was a vile of cocaine. I stood in the room with the vile in my hand just staring at it. Then I took the vile and placed it in my purse. I brought it home and that night I snorted a line of cocaine for the firt time. It was also a tuesday and I had worship team practice. Needless to say I went to practice stoned. The vile lasted about a month because the only time I would do a couple lines were the nights RIGHT before I would head out to small group or worship practice. It "helped" me deal with the fact I was going to church while God was still hating me and me hating Him more. I never told anybody I kept the cocaine after I found it. I did however confide in a really good/ close friend I had found some but I told her I threw it away.
I thought my relationship with God was gone. I thought when I died I was going to end up going to Hell because God hated me for doing such life threatening things to myself. I was cutting myself everyday for a month and a half not telling anyone about it. I would cut on my stomach, legs or shoulders. I couldn't handle having someone know I was doing this to myself. I held such shame with cutting.
November 12th through the 14th our youth group went back to the Generation Conference. I went with the hope God would save me from all this pain. The first two days I felt like God was there for other people, yet He was ignoring me and not letting me in. I began praying to Him, telling Him that if He didn't do something I was going to go home after this was over and kill myself. I remember on the last night I was on my knees during worship just crying out to God telling Him I couldn't do this anymore, that I don't understand why He hated me, that I need Him to just save me because I am going to go and give up EVERYTHING. I went back to my seat after worship was over and just sat there thinking to myself that the silence was my answer. God officially was NEVER going to forgive me and let me in. Then after th e speakier Russell Evans (from Planetshakers Church in Australia) got done He made an altar call. It didn't relate to me so I sat there justing praying to God to save me and set me free. I began apologizing to Him for everything and that I needed Him more than anyone could ever imagine.
About 5 minutes later my prayers would be answered. This guy from my church came up and said "I don't really know where I'm going with this but I'm just obeying God". He placed his hand on my left shoulder and began praying. My first thought was "oh this should be good. I don't even talk to this guy. Lets see what this guy pulls out of his wazoo."
He began speaking against EVERYTHING I have been doing. I remember him saying "God I speak against SI, feelings of worthlessness, depression, addiction." Honestly as soon sa I heard the word "SI" come out of his mouth I knew God had been listening to me even when I felt hopeless. I just broke down and cried for a good 45 minutes. I remember hearing "You are free. I never hated you. I love You." Which of course made me cry more. I just couldn't do anything BUT cry.
I know God has set me free from my past. It's been 13 days since I've done cocaine and cut myself. I never plan on doing drugs again. Gods love is the best high you can ever have. I've gotten drunk and high but NO feeling of inibriation compares to the love of God and Him setting you free from depression, slef injury and potential drug addiction. I'm not telling this to get some sort of sympathy card from you guys. I just feel like God wants me to use my testimony to help change lives and lead people to Him.
God bless!!
-J
I've been saved since I was 17 but never really felt Gods peace and joy like I have been lately.
On May 31st 2008 during the worship service at our churches encounter weekend I felt Gods presence for the first time ever and gave up control of my life that EXACT moment. Honestly it was probably one of the best days of my life. I was on COMPLETE fire for God and in awe that He was in fact real!! A mind blowing realization actually.
That passion and fire lasted for a while in me. Then the devil came and started speaking into my life telling me things like "God doesn't really love you." It was hard and as a baby christian I was (excuse the cheesy expression) hurt and confused. Then in July 2008 a group of our yoth went to the Generation Conference in Utica, New York. I remember sitting there throughout the services hearing the enemy basically shouting into my ears all his lies that he was determined to get me to believe. Then, on the very last night God completley touched my life during the altar call that Pastor Jude Fouquier called. One of the leaders from my church was praying over me during it and I began to feel this strong grasp, like somebody was squeezing my hand, on my right hand. I opened my eyes just out of curiosity to see who could have such a grip on me. But when I opened my eyes nobody was there and yet I could STILL feel their grasp, getting stronger.
Trusting it was all God I shut my eyes and within a matter of seconds I felt my whole entire body begin to go numb until feeling was gone completely. I no doubt cried my eyes out and promised to never let go of God ever again.
It's funny how faith in God is sometimes. Our whole youth group was completely sold out for Christ and I thought things were forever changed.
Then in January of 2009 the enemy began speaking into my life louder than God ever has.
Our church has what they call a week of fast ands prayer, where we would meet as a congregation at night for a whole week and pray for the upcoming year. I remember there was an altar call for those facing a crossroads in their life and I felt like it was for me. I went up and as soon as I got to the altar I heard this voice say "What are you doing here? Nothing is going to work for you. Just give up." I don't know why those wrods hurt so much but I immediatley began backing up and finally turned around and went back to my seat. Thinking about it now that was probably the moment I began backsliding from Christ.
You see, I began buying into the lies the devil wants us to believe. Then my grandpa whom I was extremely close to got daingosed with cancer on his heart. I did the only thing I could think of and that was to pray for his healign. I had the worship team I'm on praying for him, yet on April 3rd 2009 he passed away. I just kept hearing my last words I said to him being replayed in my head. The last thing I said to him was "I'll be praying for you" and he said "It's the best thing you can do sweetie." I just kept thinking that I never actually got to praying for him. I saw him slipping away and I turned that pain into anger towards God. I didn't understand why he could take such a great man away from me. I felt like God hated me for some reason so I turned away from god.
Then about a month later my Aunt passed away from cancer too. I also prayed for her as she began to slip yet she passed too. Once that happened I felt like I went numb. Everything in my life went downhill so fast.
I've been dealing with self injury and depression since I was 13. Needless to say after the grief I felt after the death of two loved family members I never felt more alone, hopeless, worthless in my entire life. I began considering suicide more than ever and with that I began cutting myself more and more. I went a year and a half without it then I couldn't even go a day without it.
I would cry myself to sleep and asking God to just end my life. I never had feeling so overwhelming that I couldn't handle it any more.
Things just seemed to be spiraling out of control for me. I felt like I was in the middle of a storm, crying out to God for some sort of help or sign that He was still here but nothing happened. I then resented God and denied Him to people who were in my life and said things like "oh you have a bible verse on your wrist, you're a christian?". I can just imagine what God was going through when I was in that state. God loves us more than we can ever love Him. Think of how much YOU love God with all your heart, He loves us so much more than that.
Then in October I was at work deep cleaning the rooms, I work as a housekeeper at a Comfort Inn. I flipped up the bed frame and there on the floor was a vile of cocaine. I stood in the room with the vile in my hand just staring at it. Then I took the vile and placed it in my purse. I brought it home and that night I snorted a line of cocaine for the firt time. It was also a tuesday and I had worship team practice. Needless to say I went to practice stoned. The vile lasted about a month because the only time I would do a couple lines were the nights RIGHT before I would head out to small group or worship practice. It "helped" me deal with the fact I was going to church while God was still hating me and me hating Him more. I never told anybody I kept the cocaine after I found it. I did however confide in a really good/ close friend I had found some but I told her I threw it away.
I thought my relationship with God was gone. I thought when I died I was going to end up going to Hell because God hated me for doing such life threatening things to myself. I was cutting myself everyday for a month and a half not telling anyone about it. I would cut on my stomach, legs or shoulders. I couldn't handle having someone know I was doing this to myself. I held such shame with cutting.
November 12th through the 14th our youth group went back to the Generation Conference. I went with the hope God would save me from all this pain. The first two days I felt like God was there for other people, yet He was ignoring me and not letting me in. I began praying to Him, telling Him that if He didn't do something I was going to go home after this was over and kill myself. I remember on the last night I was on my knees during worship just crying out to God telling Him I couldn't do this anymore, that I don't understand why He hated me, that I need Him to just save me because I am going to go and give up EVERYTHING. I went back to my seat after worship was over and just sat there thinking to myself that the silence was my answer. God officially was NEVER going to forgive me and let me in. Then after th e speakier Russell Evans (from Planetshakers Church in Australia) got done He made an altar call. It didn't relate to me so I sat there justing praying to God to save me and set me free. I began apologizing to Him for everything and that I needed Him more than anyone could ever imagine.
About 5 minutes later my prayers would be answered. This guy from my church came up and said "I don't really know where I'm going with this but I'm just obeying God". He placed his hand on my left shoulder and began praying. My first thought was "oh this should be good. I don't even talk to this guy. Lets see what this guy pulls out of his wazoo."
He began speaking against EVERYTHING I have been doing. I remember him saying "God I speak against SI, feelings of worthlessness, depression, addiction." Honestly as soon sa I heard the word "SI" come out of his mouth I knew God had been listening to me even when I felt hopeless. I just broke down and cried for a good 45 minutes. I remember hearing "You are free. I never hated you. I love You." Which of course made me cry more. I just couldn't do anything BUT cry.
I know God has set me free from my past. It's been 13 days since I've done cocaine and cut myself. I never plan on doing drugs again. Gods love is the best high you can ever have. I've gotten drunk and high but NO feeling of inibriation compares to the love of God and Him setting you free from depression, slef injury and potential drug addiction. I'm not telling this to get some sort of sympathy card from you guys. I just feel like God wants me to use my testimony to help change lives and lead people to Him.
God bless!!
-J
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Light Bulb Moments....
Hey guys so here's what I'm pondering upon now a dayss......
I kind of had a revelation or whatever you wanna call it tonight on the way home from hanging out with my friend.
Ok so I know I totally suck at writing these entries cuz I end up going on little rants and even go WAY off topic.. Kind of like now.... ok FOCUS!!
My friend I was hanging with I love to death.. She's been here for me through madd stuff and honestly she's probably the first person I've let in, even though it's not a lot cuz I still have super high walls up. The last time I've let a friend in was when I still had my best friend in my life, 6 years ago or so. Wow I can't believe it's been that long. whao.
A couple times tonight she reffered to me as her best friend and truth be told you guys, it scared the shit out of me. The first time she said it I wasn't exactly sure she meant it but when she said it about 20 or so minutes later, it came to hit me that it JUST MIGHT actually be true.
I can't even tell you why but my anxiety started going and I got awkward feeling. Last time I had a best friend I got so hurt that I actually resorted to attempting suicide.... twice. The term "best friend" to me is honestly the most scarriest thing to hear being reffered to me right now. I don't think I could stand being that hurt again, especially from her. I don't think she knows it but just her being in my life and being able to talk to her when I'm feeling overwhelmed has helped me so much.
So ok I guess I had TWO, DOSE, ZWEI "revelations" tonight my first OBVIOUSLY is that being reffered to as someones "best friend" right now is just scary as hell and I'm not ready for it. Hell I don't even think I could bring myself to say something back calling her my best friend. I'm worried that she'll somehow put the comment down and reject it.. I have this paralyzing fear of being unaccepted and rejected by the people I'm close with. That's more than likely why I don't open up to pretty much anyone in my life.
So my two "light bulb" moments both involve my fears I have. I never realized until tonight that I have a majorly huge fear of losing my friends. Actually thats kind of not it. The major part is that for some stupid reason I expect my friends to at one point stop talking to me for something I say or do.
I always say stupid stuff that I should probably think about before I spirt em out.. Not all the time but some times. It's usually a burn towards my friends. You know, the ones that are insulting to some people if taken seriously? Yeah well I said something to my friend tonight in the car about the upcoming conference that we're going to this Thursday. I'm just not all too excited about going to a christian youth conference any more. I told her and she said something, but I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. Well needless to say, she ended up pulling me into a guilt trip majorly bad. I still feel bad about it but after we dropped her off and I was on my way home I got to thinking about it again. I felt that lightbulb go off as I realized that I am so damn terrified of having my friends turn their backs on me and kick me out of their lives for me doing something stupid.
I was once told by somebody extremely close to me that I am the number one reason I can't keep people close to me because I am a flakey two faced friend. Now I am so bloody scared that one day all my friends are going to just turn their backs on me.
Sorry this was a little dark tonight yo. Well I'll stop ranting now!!
PEACE YA'LL!!
-J
I kind of had a revelation or whatever you wanna call it tonight on the way home from hanging out with my friend.
Ok so I know I totally suck at writing these entries cuz I end up going on little rants and even go WAY off topic.. Kind of like now.... ok FOCUS!!
My friend I was hanging with I love to death.. She's been here for me through madd stuff and honestly she's probably the first person I've let in, even though it's not a lot cuz I still have super high walls up. The last time I've let a friend in was when I still had my best friend in my life, 6 years ago or so. Wow I can't believe it's been that long. whao.
A couple times tonight she reffered to me as her best friend and truth be told you guys, it scared the shit out of me. The first time she said it I wasn't exactly sure she meant it but when she said it about 20 or so minutes later, it came to hit me that it JUST MIGHT actually be true.
I can't even tell you why but my anxiety started going and I got awkward feeling. Last time I had a best friend I got so hurt that I actually resorted to attempting suicide.... twice. The term "best friend" to me is honestly the most scarriest thing to hear being reffered to me right now. I don't think I could stand being that hurt again, especially from her. I don't think she knows it but just her being in my life and being able to talk to her when I'm feeling overwhelmed has helped me so much.
So ok I guess I had TWO, DOSE, ZWEI "revelations" tonight my first OBVIOUSLY is that being reffered to as someones "best friend" right now is just scary as hell and I'm not ready for it. Hell I don't even think I could bring myself to say something back calling her my best friend. I'm worried that she'll somehow put the comment down and reject it.. I have this paralyzing fear of being unaccepted and rejected by the people I'm close with. That's more than likely why I don't open up to pretty much anyone in my life.
So my two "light bulb" moments both involve my fears I have. I never realized until tonight that I have a majorly huge fear of losing my friends. Actually thats kind of not it. The major part is that for some stupid reason I expect my friends to at one point stop talking to me for something I say or do.
I always say stupid stuff that I should probably think about before I spirt em out.. Not all the time but some times. It's usually a burn towards my friends. You know, the ones that are insulting to some people if taken seriously? Yeah well I said something to my friend tonight in the car about the upcoming conference that we're going to this Thursday. I'm just not all too excited about going to a christian youth conference any more. I told her and she said something, but I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. Well needless to say, she ended up pulling me into a guilt trip majorly bad. I still feel bad about it but after we dropped her off and I was on my way home I got to thinking about it again. I felt that lightbulb go off as I realized that I am so damn terrified of having my friends turn their backs on me and kick me out of their lives for me doing something stupid.
I was once told by somebody extremely close to me that I am the number one reason I can't keep people close to me because I am a flakey two faced friend. Now I am so bloody scared that one day all my friends are going to just turn their backs on me.
Sorry this was a little dark tonight yo. Well I'll stop ranting now!!
PEACE YA'LL!!
-J
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Blurbb
I don't know who this is to but I know it's from the bottom of my heart, as corny as that sounds. Most of it is what I wish someone would say to me. It's what I wish I was brave enough to say to some people. To be able to stand up in front of a crowd and speak these words to a group of young adults struggling. Here it is....
I can't help you understand this. I can't tell you the magic phrase that when spoken, all you're pain you feel suddenly goes away. I'm not some sort of superhuman healer who has the answers to your questions.
I am still hurting. I still listen to that voice everyday. The one that tells me I'm nothing, the one that tells me to jump in front of the on coming traffic on the highway, the one that tells me to just press a little deeper on my wrist with this blade that controls my fate. The same one that tells me time and time again that I am alone in this world and the people in my life who have proven over and over that they love me and are here for me, are nothing but fakes. That I deserve to be alone and should just give up fighting this once and for all.
This "thing" is sick. IT festers in our minds and builds until we can't handle it any longer. Until we become sick and catatonic. Empty shells of a person once so full of life and joy. Now we just lie in bed all day staring at the walls of our rooms. Still listening, still obeying that voice.
Demons so deep inside of us that soon their marks of control become evident. People ask what they are and we lie. Too ashamed to give up the name of our controller. Blame everything else in life from the cat to an accident.
I spend hours upon end thinking of a way out of its control. It keeps telling me I have no way out, well except for one way. It would rather have me dead than be living out of its deadly control.
We feel alone. All it would take is ONE person in our lives, a person we're close to and trust, to come and say "I know you're hurting and I just need you to let me in on what's going on. I love you and want to help you through this fight."
I don't know you and I don't know what you're going through. Like I said before, I don't know how to fix YOUR pain. I don't know if these words will give you some hope in that darkness you're in right now. I can only hope that this is reaching your heart and making you feel less alone.
To that soul who's hurting past the point of just a bad week or two: You can make it through this. I know you can!
To the cutter who is too ashamed of their marks to tell a soul what they're struggling with: I know a similar inner pain, yet not YOUR pain. I will never know your exact pain, yet I feel my own pain. Pain that only seems to go away when you succumb to the knife. To this person I would say this.... Hold on even when all you know is slipping away. Hold on for rescue from this pitch black darkness IS coming. Let those you love in when they ask what's going on. They truly love you if they're asking. trust me.
Sometimes an "I love you and care about you" is all we need.
Love is powerful!!
-J
I can't help you understand this. I can't tell you the magic phrase that when spoken, all you're pain you feel suddenly goes away. I'm not some sort of superhuman healer who has the answers to your questions.
I am still hurting. I still listen to that voice everyday. The one that tells me I'm nothing, the one that tells me to jump in front of the on coming traffic on the highway, the one that tells me to just press a little deeper on my wrist with this blade that controls my fate. The same one that tells me time and time again that I am alone in this world and the people in my life who have proven over and over that they love me and are here for me, are nothing but fakes. That I deserve to be alone and should just give up fighting this once and for all.
This "thing" is sick. IT festers in our minds and builds until we can't handle it any longer. Until we become sick and catatonic. Empty shells of a person once so full of life and joy. Now we just lie in bed all day staring at the walls of our rooms. Still listening, still obeying that voice.
Demons so deep inside of us that soon their marks of control become evident. People ask what they are and we lie. Too ashamed to give up the name of our controller. Blame everything else in life from the cat to an accident.
I spend hours upon end thinking of a way out of its control. It keeps telling me I have no way out, well except for one way. It would rather have me dead than be living out of its deadly control.
We feel alone. All it would take is ONE person in our lives, a person we're close to and trust, to come and say "I know you're hurting and I just need you to let me in on what's going on. I love you and want to help you through this fight."
I don't know you and I don't know what you're going through. Like I said before, I don't know how to fix YOUR pain. I don't know if these words will give you some hope in that darkness you're in right now. I can only hope that this is reaching your heart and making you feel less alone.
To that soul who's hurting past the point of just a bad week or two: You can make it through this. I know you can!
To the cutter who is too ashamed of their marks to tell a soul what they're struggling with: I know a similar inner pain, yet not YOUR pain. I will never know your exact pain, yet I feel my own pain. Pain that only seems to go away when you succumb to the knife. To this person I would say this.... Hold on even when all you know is slipping away. Hold on for rescue from this pitch black darkness IS coming. Let those you love in when they ask what's going on. They truly love you if they're asking. trust me.
Sometimes an "I love you and care about you" is all we need.
Love is powerful!!
-J
Sunday, October 25, 2009
2 years time
So I've been thinking a lot about the past few years lately so I'm now writing my thoughts down for the whole freakin' world to read. I normally would NEVER put something this personal on my blog for everyone to read because I hate feeling so open and vulnerable but I just want to get this out.
In the past 2 years my life has changed in so many ways. I've had so many high points AND low points that it kind of seems like a Lifetime movie or mini series. I've gone from a total non believer to completely sold out for Christ then back to confused about my beliefs. This past month it has been 2 years since I first started going to church. I never thought when I first started going that the church would be such a HUGE part of my life. but it's become the one place I know that I know that I know I am loved by at least a group of people. They actually say they love me and show it through their kindeness and thoughtfulness towards me. I've never had a group of friends who did that for me.
I was still concealing my pain I felt on the inside when it came to them though. They didn't and still don't know I struggle with SI, even though I've been getting better at fighting the temptations lately.
Then in May 2008 I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. It was one of the best days of my life. I got saved doing the one thing that gives me so much joy; playing guitar on stage for my church. From that day everything started looking up in my life. I was no longer struggling day to day with temptation and I was beginning to find my trust in those who were closest to me. And for the first time since I started I was able to go a year and a half WITHOUT SI. I thought I was free but then temptation and doubt came back.
January 2009 I started to backslide away from everything God had given me, and the sucky thing is I couldn't care less. A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but the enemy had such a stronghold on my emotions that I levitated towards that darkness. I never renounced my struggle with SI and so the devil still had that stronghold over my life. and boy oh boy was it strong.
There were thoughts being placed in my head like "I'm so worthless, God never loved me, I shouldn't even be at this church the people here all hate me but they act like they love me because thats the 'Christianly' thing to do." After thinking that day after day they really started hurting.
Then in March someone really close to me got sick with cancer. I had the whole worship team praying for them but in April they passed away. Then in May another person in my life passed away from cancer. I became so bitter and actually hated God. I didn't understand how I had everyone at my church praying AGAINST the illness yet they still passed. I was in so much emotional pain that I started back up with SI. Nobody at this point knew because I didn't want to be the "emo" kid again. I was still going to church every week and worship team practice and small group yet I was still so angry at God and what "He had done".
Now I'm still not 100% back on track with God. I've been trying to begin praying again but I find myself stuck. Just today I picked up my bible and read for a little while. I still have a lot of hurt in my heart and I'm trying hard to let it go but I'm findin git hard to place down my guard.
In just a few weeks me and some of the youth from my church are going to a conference. It changed my life last July and I'm just hoping with all my heart that it helps me put my life back on the right track. I'm sick of the pain and need this conference to change me. actually correction. I need GOD to change my heart.
In 2 years time I've gone from nonbeliever to total believer to just confused. I never thought the journey to be like this but I'm glad it is!!
- J
In the past 2 years my life has changed in so many ways. I've had so many high points AND low points that it kind of seems like a Lifetime movie or mini series. I've gone from a total non believer to completely sold out for Christ then back to confused about my beliefs. This past month it has been 2 years since I first started going to church. I never thought when I first started going that the church would be such a HUGE part of my life. but it's become the one place I know that I know that I know I am loved by at least a group of people. They actually say they love me and show it through their kindeness and thoughtfulness towards me. I've never had a group of friends who did that for me.
I was still concealing my pain I felt on the inside when it came to them though. They didn't and still don't know I struggle with SI, even though I've been getting better at fighting the temptations lately.
Then in May 2008 I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. It was one of the best days of my life. I got saved doing the one thing that gives me so much joy; playing guitar on stage for my church. From that day everything started looking up in my life. I was no longer struggling day to day with temptation and I was beginning to find my trust in those who were closest to me. And for the first time since I started I was able to go a year and a half WITHOUT SI. I thought I was free but then temptation and doubt came back.
January 2009 I started to backslide away from everything God had given me, and the sucky thing is I couldn't care less. A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but the enemy had such a stronghold on my emotions that I levitated towards that darkness. I never renounced my struggle with SI and so the devil still had that stronghold over my life. and boy oh boy was it strong.
There were thoughts being placed in my head like "I'm so worthless, God never loved me, I shouldn't even be at this church the people here all hate me but they act like they love me because thats the 'Christianly' thing to do." After thinking that day after day they really started hurting.
Then in March someone really close to me got sick with cancer. I had the whole worship team praying for them but in April they passed away. Then in May another person in my life passed away from cancer. I became so bitter and actually hated God. I didn't understand how I had everyone at my church praying AGAINST the illness yet they still passed. I was in so much emotional pain that I started back up with SI. Nobody at this point knew because I didn't want to be the "emo" kid again. I was still going to church every week and worship team practice and small group yet I was still so angry at God and what "He had done".
Now I'm still not 100% back on track with God. I've been trying to begin praying again but I find myself stuck. Just today I picked up my bible and read for a little while. I still have a lot of hurt in my heart and I'm trying hard to let it go but I'm findin git hard to place down my guard.
In just a few weeks me and some of the youth from my church are going to a conference. It changed my life last July and I'm just hoping with all my heart that it helps me put my life back on the right track. I'm sick of the pain and need this conference to change me. actually correction. I need GOD to change my heart.
In 2 years time I've gone from nonbeliever to total believer to just confused. I never thought the journey to be like this but I'm glad it is!!
- J
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Following your heart
So kids.... here's whats on my mind today..
in case none of you kno I'm what you would label a "born again christian", only thing is that I'm not exactly born again any more. I hate to use this word cuz of it's bad stigma but I guess instead of born again you could call me a backslider. Things between me and God haven't been good in a while. I've been walking around with the thought that He left me alone and forgot about me. It caused so much hate and chaos inside me that I actually came to resent Him. People would come up to me and say "oh you're a christian?" and lemme tell ya something; I'd be so quick to snap back with an answer of "well I used to be. Not any more I'm not."
Me and my mom talk a lot about what's going on with me and my relationship with God. I'm on my churches music ministry so I vent to her about everything that goes on; well almost everything. Here's the REAL point of this blog.
One day her and I were driving to Target. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, it might have been me talking about how I need 2 go 2 the GC conference this year. I mumbled something about God leaving me. I don't think I'll ever forget the words she spouted out almost immdiatley and defensive like. With a serious tone she says "God didn't leave you, you left Him."
I ddn't know what to say back to that, mainly because something strong in my heart knew she was right. Since then I've been thinking so strongly on those words. I am actually shocked by it. I never realized until she said it.
It's so much easier to walk AWAY from God than it is to walk WITH Him. Strange right? I don't know if this is right but it's what I think. I think it's the Devils plan to make it sooo much easier on us humans to walk away than keep going. He gives us a spirit of defeat and hopelessness when things get hard with God. I know for me personally when things get tough and a little overwhelming I tend to get mad and discouraged so I do what's easiest. I simply give up.
My walk with God has been anything BUT easy! I never realized how "broken" I was on the insied until He started pointing thigs out that I needed to work on. I didn't like the feeling of getting my flaws and weaknesses being brought to the surface. Some of them He made so the people closest to me could see them and step in to be there for me. I like to give off the image that everything is perfect in my life. That I'm the happiest person you'd ever meet and that I love everything about life. But that's so far from the truth.
So I know I got off topic but I'm back now. PROMISE. If you're actually readign this I hope you take this away from it. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR WALK WITH GOD! I know it's coming from a back sliders blog but I just hope this will save someone from the pain of walking alone.
- J
in case none of you kno I'm what you would label a "born again christian", only thing is that I'm not exactly born again any more. I hate to use this word cuz of it's bad stigma but I guess instead of born again you could call me a backslider. Things between me and God haven't been good in a while. I've been walking around with the thought that He left me alone and forgot about me. It caused so much hate and chaos inside me that I actually came to resent Him. People would come up to me and say "oh you're a christian?" and lemme tell ya something; I'd be so quick to snap back with an answer of "well I used to be. Not any more I'm not."
Me and my mom talk a lot about what's going on with me and my relationship with God. I'm on my churches music ministry so I vent to her about everything that goes on; well almost everything. Here's the REAL point of this blog.
One day her and I were driving to Target. I don't exactly remember what we were talking about, it might have been me talking about how I need 2 go 2 the GC conference this year. I mumbled something about God leaving me. I don't think I'll ever forget the words she spouted out almost immdiatley and defensive like. With a serious tone she says "God didn't leave you, you left Him."
I ddn't know what to say back to that, mainly because something strong in my heart knew she was right. Since then I've been thinking so strongly on those words. I am actually shocked by it. I never realized until she said it.
It's so much easier to walk AWAY from God than it is to walk WITH Him. Strange right? I don't know if this is right but it's what I think. I think it's the Devils plan to make it sooo much easier on us humans to walk away than keep going. He gives us a spirit of defeat and hopelessness when things get hard with God. I know for me personally when things get tough and a little overwhelming I tend to get mad and discouraged so I do what's easiest. I simply give up.
My walk with God has been anything BUT easy! I never realized how "broken" I was on the insied until He started pointing thigs out that I needed to work on. I didn't like the feeling of getting my flaws and weaknesses being brought to the surface. Some of them He made so the people closest to me could see them and step in to be there for me. I like to give off the image that everything is perfect in my life. That I'm the happiest person you'd ever meet and that I love everything about life. But that's so far from the truth.
So I know I got off topic but I'm back now. PROMISE. If you're actually readign this I hope you take this away from it. DON'T GIVE UP ON YOUR WALK WITH GOD! I know it's coming from a back sliders blog but I just hope this will save someone from the pain of walking alone.
- J
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