2 years time

So I've been thinking a lot about the past few years lately so I'm now writing my thoughts down for the whole freakin' world to read. I normally would NEVER put something this personal on my blog for everyone to read because I hate feeling so open and vulnerable but I just want to get this out.

In the past 2 years my life has changed in so many ways. I've had so many high points AND low points that it kind of seems like a Lifetime movie or mini series. I've gone from a total non believer to completely sold out for Christ then back to confused about my beliefs. This past month it has been 2 years since I first started going to church. I never thought when I first started going that the church would be such a HUGE part of my life. but it's become the one place I know that I know that I know I am loved by at least a group of people. They actually say they love me and show it through their kindeness and thoughtfulness towards me. I've never had a group of friends who did that for me.

I was still concealing my pain I felt on the inside when it came to them though. They didn't and still don't know I struggle with SI, even though I've been getting better at fighting the temptations lately.

Then in May 2008 I accepted Christ as my personal Saviour. It was one of the best days of my life. I got saved doing the one thing that gives me so much joy; playing guitar on stage for my church. From that day everything started looking up in my life. I was no longer struggling day to day with temptation and I was beginning to find my trust in those who were closest to me. And for the first time since I started I was able to go a year and a half WITHOUT SI. I thought I was free but then temptation and doubt came back.

January 2009 I started to backslide away from everything God had given me, and the sucky thing is I couldn't care less. A part of me knew what I was doing was wrong but the enemy had such a stronghold on my emotions that I levitated towards that darkness. I never renounced my struggle with SI and so the devil still had that stronghold over my life. and boy oh boy was it strong.

There were thoughts being placed in my head like "I'm so worthless, God never loved me, I shouldn't even be at this church the people here all hate me but they act like they love me because thats the 'Christianly' thing to do." After thinking that day after day they really started hurting.

Then in March someone really close to me got sick with cancer. I had the whole worship team praying for them but in April they passed away. Then in May another person in my life passed away from cancer. I became so bitter and actually hated God. I didn't understand how I had everyone at my church praying AGAINST the illness yet they still passed. I was in so much emotional pain that I started back up with SI. Nobody at this point knew because I didn't want to be the "emo" kid again. I was still going to church every week and worship team practice and small group yet I was still so angry at God and what "He had done".

Now I'm still not 100% back on track with God. I've been trying to begin praying again but I find myself stuck. Just today I picked up my bible and read for a little while. I still have a lot of hurt in my heart and I'm trying hard to let it go but I'm findin git hard to place down my guard.

In just a few weeks me and some of the youth from my church are going to a conference. It changed my life last July and I'm just hoping with all my heart that it helps me put my life back on the right track. I'm sick of the pain and need this conference to change me. actually correction. I need GOD to change my heart.

In 2 years time I've gone from nonbeliever to total believer to just confused. I never thought the journey to be like this but I'm glad it is!!
- J