How God Set Me FREE

So right now I'm listening to the new album by Fee called "Hope Rising"... I don't know how that relates to this but I just wanted 2 paint a picture of what I'm doing right now haha. Anyways, in the past week or two I really felt like God wants me to start sharing my testimony with people. Since I really don't even know how to get started, though I have had "prophetic visions" of me standing infront of my small group and sharing, I feel like this blog is a GREAT way to get started.

I've been saved since I was 17 but never really felt Gods peace and joy like I have been lately.
On May 31st 2008 during the worship service at our churches encounter weekend I felt Gods presence for the first time ever and gave up control of my life that EXACT moment. Honestly it was probably one of the best days of my life. I was on COMPLETE fire for God and in awe that He was in fact real!! A mind blowing realization actually.

That passion and fire lasted for a while in me. Then the devil came and started speaking into my life telling me things like "God doesn't really love you." It was hard and as a baby christian I was (excuse the cheesy expression) hurt and confused. Then in July 2008 a group of our yoth went to the Generation Conference in Utica, New York. I remember sitting there throughout the services hearing the enemy basically shouting into my ears all his lies that he was determined to get me to believe. Then, on the very last night God completley touched my life during the altar call that Pastor Jude Fouquier called. One of the leaders from my church was praying over me during it and I began to feel this strong grasp, like somebody was squeezing my hand, on my right hand. I opened my eyes just out of curiosity to see who could have such a grip on me. But when I opened my eyes nobody was there and yet I could STILL feel their grasp, getting stronger.

Trusting it was all God I shut my eyes and within a matter of seconds I felt my whole entire body begin to go numb until feeling was gone completely. I no doubt cried my eyes out and promised to never let go of God ever again.

It's funny how faith in God is sometimes. Our whole youth group was completely sold out for Christ and I thought things were forever changed.

Then in January of 2009 the enemy began speaking into my life louder than God ever has.

Our church has what they call a week of fast ands prayer, where we would meet as a congregation at night for a whole week and pray for the upcoming year. I remember there was an altar call for those facing a crossroads in their life and I felt like it was for me. I went up and as soon as I got to the altar I heard this voice say "What are you doing here? Nothing is going to work for you. Just give up." I don't know why those wrods hurt so much but I immediatley began backing up and finally turned around and went back to my seat. Thinking about it now that was probably the moment I began backsliding from Christ.

You see, I began buying into the lies the devil wants us to believe. Then my grandpa whom I was extremely close to got daingosed with cancer on his heart. I did the only thing I could think of and that was to pray for his healign. I had the worship team I'm on praying for him, yet on April 3rd 2009 he passed away. I just kept hearing my last words I said to him being replayed in my head. The last thing I said to him was "I'll be praying for you" and he said "It's the best thing you can do sweetie." I just kept thinking that I never actually got to praying for him. I saw him slipping away and I turned that pain into anger towards God. I didn't understand why he could take such a great man away from me. I felt like God hated me for some reason so I turned away from god.

Then about a month later my Aunt passed away from cancer too. I also prayed for her as she began to slip yet she passed too. Once that happened I felt like I went numb. Everything in my life went downhill so fast.

I've been dealing with self injury and depression since I was 13. Needless to say after the grief I felt after the death of two loved family members I never felt more alone, hopeless, worthless in my entire life. I began considering suicide more than ever and with that I began cutting myself more and more. I went a year and a half without it then I couldn't even go a day without it.

I would cry myself to sleep and asking God to just end my life. I never had feeling so overwhelming that I couldn't handle it any more.

Things just seemed to be spiraling out of control for me. I felt like I was in the middle of a storm, crying out to God for some sort of help or sign that He was still here but nothing happened. I then resented God and denied Him to people who were in my life and said things like "oh you have a bible verse on your wrist, you're a christian?". I can just imagine what God was going through when I was in that state. God loves us more than we can ever love Him. Think of how much YOU love God with all your heart, He loves us so much more than that.

Then in October I was at work deep cleaning the rooms, I work as a housekeeper at a Comfort Inn. I flipped up the bed frame and there on the floor was a vile of cocaine. I stood in the room with the vile in my hand just staring at it. Then I took the vile and placed it in my purse. I brought it home and that night I snorted a line of cocaine for the firt time. It was also a tuesday and I had worship team practice. Needless to say I went to practice stoned. The vile lasted about a month because the only time I would do a couple lines were the nights RIGHT before I would head out to small group or worship practice. It "helped" me deal with the fact I was going to church while God was still hating me and me hating Him more. I never told anybody I kept the cocaine after I found it. I did however confide in a really good/ close friend I had found some but I told her I threw it away.

I thought my relationship with God was gone. I thought when I died I was going to end up going to Hell because God hated me for doing such life threatening things to myself. I was cutting myself everyday for a month and a half not telling anyone about it. I would cut on my stomach, legs or shoulders. I couldn't handle having someone know I was doing this to myself. I held such shame with cutting.

November 12th through the 14th our youth group went back to the Generation Conference. I went with the hope God would save me from all this pain. The first two days I felt like God was there for other people, yet He was ignoring me and not letting me in. I began praying to Him, telling Him that if He didn't do something I was going to go home after this was over and kill myself. I remember on the last night I was on my knees during worship just crying out to God telling Him I couldn't do this anymore, that I don't understand why He hated me, that I need Him to just save me because I am going to go and give up EVERYTHING. I went back to my seat after worship was over and just sat there thinking to myself that the silence was my answer. God officially was NEVER going to forgive me and let me in. Then after th e speakier Russell Evans (from Planetshakers Church in Australia) got done He made an altar call. It didn't relate to me so I sat there justing praying to God to save me and set me free. I began apologizing to Him for everything and that I needed Him more than anyone could ever imagine.

About 5 minutes later my prayers would be answered. This guy from my church came up and said "I don't really know where I'm going with this but I'm just obeying God". He placed his hand on my left shoulder and began praying. My first thought was "oh this should be good. I don't even talk to this guy. Lets see what this guy pulls out of his wazoo."

He began speaking against EVERYTHING I have been doing. I remember him saying "God I speak against SI, feelings of worthlessness, depression, addiction." Honestly as soon sa I heard the word "SI" come out of his mouth I knew God had been listening to me even when I felt hopeless. I just broke down and cried for a good 45 minutes. I remember hearing "You are free. I never hated you. I love You." Which of course made me cry more. I just couldn't do anything BUT cry.

I know God has set me free from my past. It's been 13 days since I've done cocaine and cut myself. I never plan on doing drugs again. Gods love is the best high you can ever have. I've gotten drunk and high but NO feeling of inibriation compares to the love of God and Him setting you free from depression, slef injury and potential drug addiction. I'm not telling this to get some sort of sympathy card from you guys. I just feel like God wants me to use my testimony to help change lives and lead people to Him.

God bless!!

-J