Light Bulb Moments....

Hey guys so here's what I'm pondering upon now a dayss......



I kind of had a revelation or whatever you wanna call it tonight on the way home from hanging out with my friend.

Ok so I know I totally suck at writing these entries cuz I end up going on little rants and even go WAY off topic.. Kind of like now.... ok FOCUS!!

My friend I was hanging with I love to death.. She's been here for me through madd stuff and honestly she's probably the first person I've let in, even though it's not a lot cuz I still have super high walls up. The last time I've let a friend in was when I still had my best friend in my life, 6 years ago or so. Wow I can't believe it's been that long. whao.

A couple times tonight she reffered to me as her best friend and truth be told you guys, it scared the shit out of me. The first time she said it I wasn't exactly sure she meant it but when she said it about 20 or so minutes later, it came to hit me that it JUST MIGHT actually be true.

I can't even tell you why but my anxiety started going and I got awkward feeling. Last time I had a best friend I got so hurt that I actually resorted to attempting suicide.... twice. The term "best friend" to me is honestly the most scarriest thing to hear being reffered to me right now. I don't think I could stand being that hurt again, especially from her. I don't think she knows it but just her being in my life and being able to talk to her when I'm feeling overwhelmed has helped me so much.

So ok I guess I had TWO, DOSE, ZWEI "revelations" tonight my first OBVIOUSLY is that being reffered to as someones "best friend" right now is just scary as hell and I'm not ready for it. Hell I don't even think I could bring myself to say something back calling her my best friend. I'm worried that she'll somehow put the comment down and reject it.. I have this paralyzing fear of being unaccepted and rejected by the people I'm close with. That's more than likely why I don't open up to pretty much anyone in my life.

So my two "light bulb" moments both involve my fears I have. I never realized until tonight that I have a majorly huge fear of losing my friends. Actually thats kind of not it. The major part is that for some stupid reason I expect my friends to at one point stop talking to me for something I say or do.

I always say stupid stuff that I should probably think about before I spirt em out.. Not all the time but some times. It's usually a burn towards my friends. You know, the ones that are insulting to some people if taken seriously? Yeah well I said something to my friend tonight in the car about the upcoming conference that we're going to this Thursday. I'm just not all too excited about going to a christian youth conference any more. I told her and she said something, but I couldn't tell if she was joking or not. Well needless to say, she ended up pulling me into a guilt trip majorly bad. I still feel bad about it but after we dropped her off and I was on my way home I got to thinking about it again. I felt that lightbulb go off as I realized that I am so damn terrified of having my friends turn their backs on me and kick me out of their lives for me doing something stupid.

I was once told by somebody extremely close to me that I am the number one reason I can't keep people close to me because I am a flakey two faced friend. Now I am so bloody scared that one day all my friends are going to just turn their backs on me.

Sorry this was a little dark tonight yo. Well I'll stop ranting now!!

PEACE YA'LL!!

-J